


slipping off the course that we prepared

by serenfire



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Charlie's super transphobic, Gen, Trans Male Character, no one else is, trans Eggsy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-05 12:17:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4179561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenfire/pseuds/serenfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy hyperventilates a normal amount for being decked out in clothes he hasn’t worn since before his mum brought Dean back to the flat, since before the abusive boyfriend in question diverted Michelle’s attention from noticing that her little girl was neither little nor a girl.</p><p>(or, Eggsy's trans and cannot deal with the honeypot mission during training.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	slipping off the course that we prepared

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when my dysphoria flared up and hope it entertains someone the way it helped me work through still not being out of the closet. (tmi much?)
> 
> Title from Lorde's Glory and Gore.
> 
> @anyone I know irl: do not read thanks

When Merlin gives the last three candidates their assignment, Eggy’s blood runs cold.

When Merlin says, “I mean the biblical sense,” Eggsy can’t breathe. He can only focus on not breaking down in tears, thinking, _If only you asked in a month, I might be able to pass in bed, but I can’t._

Merlin pointedly isn’t looking at Eggsy when he finishes the presentation, but Charlie laughs at the trans man in the room anyway.

“Guess you’ll have to wear a dress, Unwin. I bet you’re not going to last ten minutes in the bar without breaking out into a panic attack.”

Eggsy just might have a panic attack right now, who knows? His hand drifts to the top of his binder where it presses against his armpit.

Fuck, Charlie’s right. He can’t fake being cis any more than Charlie can pretend to not be transphobic for five seconds.

Eggsy cups his mouth in his hands, breathing deeply. He thinks of his dad, and how he would be proud of Eggsy if he persevered to become Lancelot, even if Lee would be disappointed at every other one of Eggsy’s life decisions.

He can dress in drag for an evening and try his hardest not to be triggered, at least not until everything’s over. He has to.

Roxy touches Eggsy’s knee to steady him, saying, “Don’t worry, you can borrow something of mine if you have to.”

“I’ll have to,” Eggsy breathes, feeling tears catch at the back of his throat. If he cries now, Charlie will make fun of him ( _Showing your lady parts, are you now, Unwin?_ ) until Eggsy fails one of the exams and leaves in disgrace.

Charlie laughs again, and it’s not the T that makes Eggsy want to choke him.

Eggsy looks up resolutely into Merlin’s gaze, who’s abysmally hiding his shock, as he _obviously did not take this into account_.

“I can do this,” Eggsy says. “Don’t worry.”

Merlin frowns at him, almost imperceptibly. “If you insist.”

“Oh, he does,” Charlie almost convulses laughing. “When do we get to start calling you ‘Eggsella’?”

Eggsy punches him in the solar plexus, and neither Roxy nor Merlin make a move to intervene.

***

Harry almost destroys Merlin’s office when he hears the news. “You can’t force him to deal with his dysphoria _now_ , without any warning. Are you so transphobic that you would rather see Eggsy fail and leave in humiliation than give him a fighting chance for the position of Lancelot?”

“If he makes it, he’s going to need to go on honeypot missions,” Merlin reasons. “This is good preparation.”

“ _When_ he finishes transitioning and isn’t dealing with gender dysphoria. His top surgery is scheduled for next week, bloody hell, Merlin. You couldn’t wait?”

Harry is seething, digging his nails into Merlin’s desk with ferocity generally only reserved for his enemies.

“You do remember this isn’t going all the way, right?”

“That isn’t the point, and you know it. Why are you forcing him to cope with his greatest nightmare right _now_?”

“He said he could deal with it,” Merlin snaps. “It’s not like we’re doing this against his will.”

Harry blinks. “You know the fact that Eggsy agreed to this means he values Kingsman above himself, and if you fuck him over -”

“I get it,” Merlin rubs his temples. “But this is a very necessary standard exam, and should be done sooner than later. If you want to be on the cameras while it’s happening, you’re welcome to it.”

Harry nods. That’s a suitable alternative, everything considered.

***

On the way to the bar, Eggsy hyperventilates a normal amount for being decked out in clothes he hasn’t worn since before his mum brought Dean back to the flat, since before the abusive boyfriend in question diverted Michelle’s attention from noticing that her little girl was neither little nor a girl.

He adjusts the bra strap that’s slipping off his shoulder and feels horribly exposed without his binder. If he doesn’t concentrate on it, though, the bile won’t rise in his throat and his stomach won’t feel like emptying itself on the floor.

As the black cab pulls up to the bar, Roxy tells him, “You know you don’t need to act feminine, right, Eggsy? Just be your very male self and everything will work smoothly.”

Eggsy intertwines their fingers. “Thanks,” he manages in a voice not above a whisper.

Charlie pulls at one of Eggsy’s shoulder straps and snickers. Eggsy twists his wrist without remorse.

When the three candidates for Lancelot arrive at the club, Eggsy goes straight for the bar, running through a few shots in quick succession before he orders a flute of champagne.

Someone with a bland, older face tries to reach up his skirt, and he breaks their fingers with his quads, a trick he learned from the streets of East London.

He walks over to the table where the target lounges next to Roxy and Charlie, repeating his identity over and over in his head. He’s Eggsy Unwin, legally Gary now that Kingsman pulled strings, and his necessary surgeries are scheduled for soon. He will be comfortable in his body. He can do this.

Eggsy reaches the table, downing his champagne, and Roxy and Charlie are laughing with the target.

All he can think of to say in lieu of the one-liners he Googled earlier is, “This champagne tastes funny.”

Which, he isn’t even hitting on the target by saying that, and Roxy gives him a look. A look that tells Eggsy that she’s going to to end up in the target’s bed, that there isn’t even competition anymore.

Charlie outright laughs at him in the same fashion he’s been doing nonstop today, which sinks Eggsy’s gut to his toes.

“ _She’s_ obviously new at clubbing,” Charlie sneers.

And Eggsy thought he could do this, he really did. But he hasn’t been outright misgendered by someone who knows him since Rottweiler beat him up the first time Eggsy stood up to Dean.

He can’t stop the flood of shame and absolute _wrongness_ that sweeps through him, and Eggsy can’t school his face into something normal and unaffected.

Charlie’s still laughing.

The target’s facial features shift into something akin to sympathy. “Aw, love, first time in drag?” she asks.

Roxy splits into a grin behind the target’s back, and at the slight flirtation in the target’s voice, Eggsy’s snark is back in full force. He raises a perfectly coloured eyebrow and fans out his skirt, doing a small twirl. “You like it?” he asks.

The target appraisingly checks Eggsy out, and winks back at him, “It’s great makeup, for a first timer. Charlie, move over. I want the ladies on either side of me, yeah?”

It still makes Eggsy’s pulse flair when she says ‘ladies’, but his confidence in the mission is restored. He can do this.

The target gets pulled away due to a phone call seconds later, and Roxy gets the first word in, turning to Eggsy.

“That was great,” she affirms. “You think you can do this for the rest of the night?”

The three of them pass out before Eggsy can say, “I think so, yeah.”

***

Eggsy wakes up with a headache, terribly sober and tied down to train tracks, still in Roxy’s dress. He opens his eyes to see a man standing over him with a knife in his hand, and this jolts him back to memories he would rather never revisit.

The man questions him about Kingsman as soon as Eggsy makes a noise, and Eggsy is so relieved that all the man wants is _information_ that he doesn’t even consider answering his questions for one second.

Then he hears the train in the distance rattling the tracks beneath his head, and tries to untangle himself from the restraints that cut into his pulse.

He can’t die here, in a dress. He _can’t_.

Eggsy can’t stop the hyperventilation in his throat. The gasps of air accompany him wildly trying to twist out of his restraints.

“Are you willing to die for Kingsman?” the man asks.

After all Kingsman has done for Eggsy: training him to be a spy, not to mention funding and scheduling his surgeries, changing his ID’s gender marker, there’s every reason to die for them.

Eggsy can’t say anything over the lack of oxygen reaching his lungs, but he stares the man down as the train rolls over him and past him. He opens his eyes and sees Harry standing there as the platform rises to normal height.

Air still flows through his lungs, less constricted by the second.

“Harry,” he breathes, thunking his head against the tracks. “Wait. Does this mean that was all a test?”

Harry seems to have trouble looking at him, and Eggsy frowns. “It was a test, right? That was what the platform was for. You alright, bruv?”

Harry clears his throat. “I thought you might not want me to see you like _this_ , considering your attire wasn’t your choice.”

“I don’t really care at the mo. Still can’t believe I’m not dead.”

Harry helps Eggsy out of his restraints and offers him a hand. Eggsy takes it and steps up onto solid concrete, barefoot.

Harry says, “I was vehemently opposed to making you do this exam, but Merlin is the ultimate decider, so I’m sorry for everything.”

“Don’t be, bruv. I don’t actually have to sleep with anyone and I passed your exam. I’m fine, but kind of cold, now that I think of it.”

Harry offers his suit jacket without any more prompting, and Eggsy wraps it around himself. It smells like Harry’s cologne, and Eggsy kind of wants to wear it forever.

“Charlie’s up next. Want to watch?” Harry offers, the awkward silence diffusing.

“If you’re really giving me a choice, nah. I just want to go to bed.”

Harry nods. “Of course you have a choice.”

***

Later, after Harry is dead and Valentine needs to be, when Eggsy is in a perfectly tailored suit and holstering his shotgun, the Princess Tilde takes him further than the cheeky offer of a kiss, and Eggsy flashes back to when he was surrounded by fear on the not-honeypot mission.

It’s better to be honest and safe rather than sorry, anyways.

“I don’t really have the right parts,” he says, attempting a nonchalant frown. He can keep his cool. He has the world to save.

Tilde rolls her eyes. “Who cares about your parts? I have enough of a dick for both of us.”

Eggsy blinks. Now _that_ sounds like a much better offer.

“I’ll be right back,” he breathes, and rushes off to save the world.

**Author's Note:**

> you should all visit my [tumblr](http://www.tylerjosephstoast.tumblr.com) because I'm super cool.


End file.
